Recently in my work with couples I have noticed this obsession that keeps many couples from growing a healthy marriage. It seems so logical at first that most would say, "What's wrong with that?" but looking at what it does to relationships tells me it is not a healthy focus. The focus I'm talking about is usually called by many couples "meeting my needs." Now on the face of it we would all say that we have an expectation that our spouse should meet our needs. After all there are books written on the subject of needs all over the place. Everyone recognizes that we all have needs. So why would I say that the concept of needs is causing problems in relationships?

The main thing I see for many couples is the focus on their own needs and more importantly how their spouse is failing to meet those needs. That blame then leads to resentment and a sense of entitlement. They start to feel like their spouse is not doing their job and begin to evaluate and rate their spouses performance when it comes to meeting needs. This just leads to greater disappointment and resentment and eventually the couple begins to move apart because their conversations turn to negotiations and lectures on needs and who is doing what in the marriage. In a twisted way we cause to happen what we suspected from the beginning. Since we assume our spouse didn't care, when we push them to do what we want them to, we drive them away. When they fail to engage we say to ourselves, "Ah-ha, see I knew you didn't care." Overtime each spouse starts to feel ripped off and criticized at the same time and distance is the natural result which only reinforces the idea that the other person is not meeting their needs. I've even had some people say that it feels abusive when their spouse ignores them or doesn’t meet their needs.

The problem in all of this is one of focus. Do we all have needs in a relationship? There is no doubt we do. Most times, however those needs are overblown. We call wants needs all the time and when we confuse the two it only creates more problems in a marriage. Everything you and I want is not necessarily a need and we need to be careful to make the right distinction between the two.

When it comes to true needs the problems come when I focus on what I need instead of what the other needs. This approach then makes me an evaluator of the other person's performance. It immediately develops a sense of entitlement in my mind and I start to have feelings of neglect and being ripped off. Compare this attitude to the one Jesus had. “..since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.” Just as Jesus did not demand that others serve him, even though he had every right to, we need to stop demanding that our needs be met and start to focus on our spouse. When I choose to focus on the other person and understanding my spouse more and the needs that my spouse has, I take the focus off the other person's performance and I begin to see the other person from a place of compassion and love. I am then more naturally able to respond to the other person's true needs and since I understand him/her better my responses more accurately hit the needs of my spouse. This in turn usually causes my spouse to want to return the gesture and you then start to have a better relationship where each of you is better able to meet each others needs occasionally. I say occasionally because rarely will you ever have every need in your life met all the time. We are not good at it as humans and since we are living in a fallen world where things don't work the way they should, we will always live with some sense of longing for more. There are needs that only God can fulfill in our lives and we have to be careful not to make our spouses the source of fulfilling those needs. It is impossible for them to do that and we are setting them up for failure.

The more we choose to look to the needs of our spouse, the more likely we will be to have most of our needs met. The more we choose to focus on what we feel we are not getting out of the relationship, the more we will feel resentment and cause our spouse to move away from us. The choice really is ours and where we choose to focus. If you are feeling ripped off in your relationship, take a look at your attitude and how much you are focusing on what you are not getting out of your marriage instead of focusing on how much you understand and meet the needs of your spouse. My guess is, your marriage reflects where you choose to set your focus.

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Tags: Marriage, Dating